A few poems

I decided in celebration of the school year coming to an end I would write a few poems for my blog entry this week. I'll start with some haikus about English class.

"This is my haiku
It is about English class
I'm a good student"

"Haikus are much fun
oops that was crappy grammar
hope my grade is good"

Now to move on to more advanced poetry, the rhyming kind.

"I wish that I knew how to dance,
but the best I can do is to prance,
I just flail around wildly,
amuse the crowd mildly,
the best part is my parachute pants"

As amusing as rhyming poems are, they're a bit juvenile for someone of my stature. I will move on to the truly advanced poetry.

This piece is called "Ode to a Movie Hero"

"Oh John McClain. You truly are the greatest of the heroes. You were the good guy in the Die Hard movies and you've protected the world many times. You've stopped evil Germans from taking all of America's gold. You've thrown an evil terrorist leader off of a skyscraper. If that isn't heroism then I don't know what is. Sometimes I wish I could be in a Die Hard movie so you could save me. Oh John McClain, please continue to keep us safe here on this great planet called earth. Oh John McClain."

That is poetry gold right there. Go ahead and publish if you want. But I better get all the money. What's that? You want more? All right, one more poem for you.

"Money is the only thing that matters. Kindness, love, and human decency take a back seat to it. Let's see love buy me a big house. Let's see kindness get a little girl a new pony. I've never seen human decency keep someones son out of a war. You need money money money. They say money can't buy happiness. Well it can buy pills that make you feel happy. It can cure terrible diseases, you don't think that those cured of cancer are happy due to money. Money is all you need. Money money money, it's the only thing that matters."

I hope you've enjoyed these poems, feel free to use them wherever you want as long as I get all royalties. I know you can't wait to post this gold. And if you want to print it out I'd be more than happy to sign it. In a few years my autograph will probably be worth thousands of dollars after all. Especially if I keep churning out these master pieces.

Why Drinking is Bad

Drinking alcohol is bad for many reasons, especially if you're under age. The biggest problem with alcohol consumption is because the bible says getting drunk is a sin. Therefor if you ever get drunk you are going to hell with all the people who swear and have abortions. If you drink and don't get drunk it'd fine, as long as you're not under 21. The bible commands us to follow the laws and customs of our culture, therefor if you drink under age you are disobeying God and will also go to hell. If you're under age and you get drunk you're going to super hell. As for the other reasons you should never ever drink any alcoholic beverage, you can lose control of yourself. Even if you think you aren't drunk you can never really tell, no one knows that they are drunk until it's too late. Getting drunk is how wars get started, why do you think Hitler started World War II? He got in a drunken argument with a Jew, then got a beat down. Never mess with a drunk Hebrew. Hitler got pissed and started the war before he got sober, he never even knew he was drunk. So if you get drunk, you're just like Hitler. Remember that next time you're having your friend with the fake ID buy some Jack. I'm going to leave you today with a story that will hopefully change your mind next time you want to drink. "There once was a girl named Bonny, she liked to get drunk with her friends on the weekend. Once she got very very drunk then had sex with a stranger and got pregnant. She had an abortion then died of liver failure the next day. Bonny burned in super hell forever for her sins against God. The End".

Man Crushes aren't gay

Every guy has a man crush whether or not he's willing to admit it. The thing about a man crush is people always seem to think it's gay. I'm going to say it right now, I have a man crush on Leonardo Di'Caprio. Nothing gay about it. The only time it's gay to have a man crush is if it's based on looks. If you like a guy because he's attractive, you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Be gay all you want, it's fine with me. I'm just making the point that I'm not gay because I have a man crush. A true man crush should be based on talent. Also, a true man crush should sneak up on you. The way a man crush begins should be very slow, you see an actor or musician and you like him so you decide to see more of his movies, or listen to more of his music. You like the guy more and more until eventually you have to see everything they do. If you get sad when you miss a certain actors movie, and realize you watch Titanic once a week, that's when you know you have a man crush.
Time for a test, I'll give you examples of man crushes and you have to choose if they are homosexual or not. You can print this test out if you want to keep a copy so you don't forget.

1. A boy named Billy is a huge fan of Brad Pitt. He likes to see all of Brad Pitt's movies and is greatly upset when he misses one. Billy watches "Fight Club" at least twice a week.

Gay [] Not Gay []

2. Joey has an unhealthy obsession with Sting. He believes that Sting is the greatest thing to happen to music since the Beatles. Once Sting came to town and Joey missed it, he got so upset he attempted suicide.

Gay [] Not Gay [] Just Creepy []

3. Jennifer likes an actress names Nicole Kidman. She sees every Nicole Kidman movie and can't stand missing one.

Gay [] Not Gay []
That last one was a trick question. There is no such thing as a woman crush. For them it's just gay, and hot.

4. Final question for men only: Who is the most attractive male actor?

Brad Pitt [] Leo Di'Caprio [] Matt Damon [] Johnny Depp [] Will Smith []

Another trick question, if you answered the above question you are gay. Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal and no one will judge you. Just stop hiding in the closet.

Danny Marshal vs. the Nazis

Danny Marshal was a boy with no arms. He had been born that way and thought that he could never be a normal boy. One day Danny was at school and some evil Nazis attacked. They wanted to take the students hostage for ten million dollars and for their political party to be included in presidential debates. Obviously the Governor and President couldn't negotiate with terrorists so they decided just to leave the kids there.
Danny couldn't believe that the government was going to leave them hanging like that, and no one else in the school was doing anything about it, so he decided to take on the evil Nazi terrorists by himself. All of the students and teachers had been locked in the gymnasium with three Nazis watching them. Each Nazi was equipped with nun chucks because as everyone knows, all Nazis are martial arts experts. Luckily for Danny, he was a master of the "no arms crazy kick" style of martial arts. Danny stood up to confront all three nun chuck toting Nazis. The three Nazis attacked quickly with their nun chucks, but Danny was far to quick for them. In an instant Danny had knocked all three out. "Tie these Nazis up," said Danny to a group of students nearby.
"What are you going to do?" asked the hottest girl in the school.
"I'm going to put an end to Nazism forever".
Danny went running out of the room to confront the remaining twenty two Nazis. "I challenge you all to a battle!" Yelled Danny.
"How about this kid," said the Nazi leader, "if you can defeat me, we'll all surrender."
"It's a deal."
However, Danny didn't know that their leader was none other than Lars Florian, the worlds greatest German martial arts master. Lars came at Danny with the speed of the devil, but Danny managed to dodge and counter with a kick to the Nazi Commander's head. Once more Danny kicked Lars right in the ribs, but he managed to grab Danny's leg and twist. Danny flew to the floor with Lars still gripping his leg. "Now you die!"
"Never," yelled Danny as he kicked Lars in the stomach with his free leg, knocking him fifteen feet across the room. "I have to stop your evil plans."
Danny launched himself into the air, "NIIIIIIIIIIIINEE," yelled the Nazi. Danny pulled his kick just in time.
"Your kindness has shown me the light Danny," said the Nazi commander, "we don't want to be Nazis anymore. From now on we will only be nice and help people."
"Yaaaaay," cheered all the Nazis.
The students came running out of the Gymnasium cheering for Danny and his heroism. The Nazis apologised and promised not to be Nazis anymore, so the government let them go. Lars and Danny became best friends and did everything together.
After the ordeal Danny became the most popular guy in school. He got the hottest girl to be his girlfriend, and all the other boys began cutting their arms off so they could be like Danny. Danny really did learn that he can do anything he puts his heart into. Then he lived happily ever after.
The End